Journal of the Council of Magickal Arts, Inc.

by Tannin Magichands

Parody Of 'Who's On First One night I was struck by a whimsical thought. Rework Abbot and Costello's classic of comedy, Who's On First, from a pagan
perspective. The humor of the idea just wouldn't leave me alone, so
one morning I sat down and worked it out. After five hours making sure
everything was correct and in the spirit of the original. It hurts my
brain too.

Who's Calling South

HPS: Welcome to our circle. Thanks for filling in for our ill high priest.
HP: Thanks for receiving me. So, are we ready to begin?
HPS: Ready as we always are.
HP: You know, I don't recpgnize these assistants calling the quarters.
HPS: No Worries. I know them all.
HP: You do?
HPS: Of course, I'm the High Priestess around here.
HP: Cool. So who's calling South?
HPS: Yes.
HP: That's what I want to know?
HPS: Ok.
HP: So who's calling South?
HPS: I told you.
HP: Who?
HPS: Yes.
HP: I mean the guys name.
HPS: Who.
HP: The guy calling South.
HPS: Who.
HP: Your the high priestess, you know everyone.
HPS: Right.
HP: Then tell me who is calling south?
HPS: He is.
HP: Who is?
HPS: Yes.

Pause

HP: Look, you gotta guy calling south.
HPS: Certainly.
HP: Who's calling south?
HPS: That's right.
HP: When it's time to call the south quarter, who lights the flame?
HPS: With a Zippo lighter.
HP: All I'm trying to find out is the guys name in the south quarter.
HPS: Who.
HP: The guy that lights...
HPS: That's it.
HP: Who lights the...
HPS: He does, every time. Sometimes his partner lights it for him.
HP: Whose partner?
HPS: Yes.

Pause

HP: Look, all I wanna know is when you ask South to call the quarter,
how do know him as?
HPS: Who.
HP: The guy.
HPS: Who.
HP: How do you know...
HPS: That's his name.
HP: Who?
HPS: Yes.

Pause

HP: All I'm trying to find out is what the guy's name is calling south.
HPS: No. What is calling East.
HP: I'm not asking you who is calling east.
HPS: Who's calling south.
HP: One quarter at a time!
HPS: Well, don't move the people around.
HP: I'm not moving nobody.
HPS: Take a chill pill, high priest.
HP: I'm only asking you, who's the guy calling south?
HPS: That's right.
HP: Ok.
HPS: All right.

Pause

HP: What's the guy's name calling south?
HPS: No. What is calling east.
HP: I'm not asking you who's calling east.
HPS: Who's calling south.
HP: I don't know.
HPS: She's calling north, we're not talking about her.
HP: Now how did I get on the north quarter?
HPS: Why, you mentioned her name.
HP: If I mentioned the north quarter's name, who did I say is calling north?
HPS: No. Who's calling south.
HP: What's calling south?
HPS: What's calling east.
HP: I don't know.
HPS: She's calling north.
HP: There I go, back on the north quarter again.

Pause

HP: Would you just stay on the north quarter and don't get off it.
HPS: All righ, what do you want to know?
HP: Now who's calling the north quarter?
HPS: Why do you insist on putting Who in the north?
HP: What am I putting in the north?
HPS: No. What is in the east quarter.
HP: You don't want who in the east quarter?
HPS: Who is in the south quarter.
HP: I don't know.

Together: NORTH QUARTER!

pause

HP: Look, you have other people here.
HPS: Sure
HP: The maiden's name is?
HPS: Why.
HP: I just thought I'd ask you.
HPS: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
HP: Then tell me the who's the maiden?
HPS: Who's calling the south quarter.
HP: I'm not.. stay out of the quarters! I want to know what the
woman's name is playing the maiden?
HPS: No. What is calling east.
HP: I'm not asking who's calling east.
HPS: Who's calling south
HP: I don't know.

Together: NORTH QUARTER!

Pause

HP: The maiden's name?
HPS: Why.
HP: Because!
HPS: Oh, she's the mother.

Pause

HP: Look, you gotta crone in this circle?
HPS: Sure
HP: The crone's name?
HPS: Tomorrow.
HP: You don't want to tell me today?
HPS: I'm telling you now.
HP: Then go ahead.
HPS: Tomorrow!
HP: What time?
HPS: What time what?
HP: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's the crone?
HPS: Now listen. Who is not the crone.
HP: I'll break your arm, you say who's calling south! I want to know
what the crone's name.
HPS: What's calling east.
HP: I don't know.

Together: NORTH QUARTER!

Pause

HP: Gotta horned one?
HPS: Certainly.
HP: His name is?
HPS: Today.
HP: Today, and tomorrow is the crone.
HPS: Now you've got it.
HP: All we got is a couple of days in this circle.

Pause

HP: You know I used to be a horned one.
HPS: So they tell me.
HP: I'd get in the circle because I'd do some fancy dancing. The crone
would slay me at the fall equanox ritual in the west quarter. I don't
know, but I'd sleep through the winter solstice and that's why I'd
rise once more in the spring. So who is calling me forth from the
south?
HPS: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
HP: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

Pause

HPS: That's all you'd have to do.
HP: Be reborn in the south quarter?
HPS: Yes!
HP: Now who's in the south quarter?
HPS: Naturally.

Pause

HP: Look, if I'm reborn in the south quarter, somebody's gotta call on
me. So who calls me out?
HPS: Naturally.
HP: Who?
HPS: Naturally.
HP: Naturally?
HPS: Naturally.
HP: So I'd be called from the south quarter by naturally?
HPS: No, you wouldn't. You'd be called by who.
HP: Naturally.
HPS: That's different.
HP: That's what I said.
HPS: Your not saying it...
HP: I'd be called by Naturally
HPS: You'd be called by Who.
HP: Naturally.
HPS: That's it.
HP: That's what I said.
HPS: You ask me.
HP: I'd be called by Who?
HPS: Naturally.
HP: Now you ask me.
HPS: You'd be called by who.
HP: Naturally.
HPS: That's it.
HP: Same as you. Same as YOU! I'd be reborn and called by who in the
south. Why I'd dance to what ever in the east just because she's
there. I'm here today, and I don't know why I'd end up in the north
and be slain by tomorrow. This is a crazy circle and I don't give a
damn!
HPS: What?
HP: I said, I don't give a damn!
HPS: Oh, that's our old high priest.

End